"A Gentle Diatribe"

Mrs Scrooooge here. She's disguised as a woman with "mad hair" ( I quote the words of her sons and a writer fellow called Adrian who occassionally reads this blog when he's nothing better to do )...

I continue about Mrs Scrooge; she's also disguised as a woman with thickening waist, dwarf sized hands and a tendency to interrupt ( See, R, I know, I know..)

BUT: I am being practical. I am being honest. Well, for the moment. This is it:

I wish Christmas could be less frequent: THERE, I've said it.

I wish Christmas could be once every two years. It comes round faster each year. It comes round faster than Easter, faster than bridges, faster than fairies and certainly faster than witches.It comes round faster than the Magical First Day Of The Summer Holidays ever did ( when I lay in bed, watched sunlight trickle through curtains and realised I had 6 weeks to a)play in the orchard, b)dress up as a squaw, c)watch Roger Gabriel in his jeans on his bike....HIS 10 year old waist in HIS jeans was nothing short of marvellous... BUT I digress)

Hmm, yes. Christmas IS lovely, it's jolly, it's merry, but it demands a lot of thought that takes up time from my every day life which (funnily enough), is actually quite interesting and pretty rewarding and always nice to get back to....without the swaddling of a tree in tinsel ( a gentle green tree, dragged cruelly from a forest) or the fighting of Crazed Humanity in WH Smiths or the planning of Who Goes Where ( as opposed to Who Goes There) or writing Christmas cards to The Little Boy Down The Lane.....sorry, I've lost it; I meant The Man Down the Road ( he who constantly ambushes me as I stagger out of my car in my drive, my shopping hanging off my arms like weary tinsel on a said gentle tree....he who only ever talks about dental problems ( his) the value of houses (his) ...but woa, crumbs! He MUST be worried in today's climate, so I'd better write an extra cheery note on HIS card ( something like: " Count your blessings and not what you're worth!"......and, then of course, there's the Having to Clean behind our Radiators, something I think I SHOULD be doing each year as Christmas approaches (heaven knows why, because I don't)...... I pause lengthily for breath.

Oops, sorry. That's a lie. I haven't got to clean behind radiators and I never have cleaned behind radiators; my family will vouch for that. And they'll also vouch for tops of lampshades, top of fridge and topmost bookshelves. BUT: I was slouching at the kitchen table earlier and while retrieving an olive I'd carelessly dropped behind said radiator, I saw a thicket of woolly dust resembling Shaun the Sheep; it was cosily gathered there, keeping itself warm while shepherds lay, probably stoned under the cooker...
Think that's enough.
I'm off to bed now with a mincepie and "Cranford".
Shaun the Sheep can rest in peace.
I'll list Good Things about Christmas tomorrow.
Coz, yes, there are LOTS!